1998 - Still in Indy

(Please note that some of the names mentioned on this page have been changed to protect the guilty)

It's December now, and 1998 is almost over.  This has probably been one of the more challenging years of my life personally.

Andre is doing well, and two very dear friends have moved in with me to help with the house, and mostly help with my spirit.

My experience of Indianapolis has soured greatly.  After the 1996 Indy Pride Celebration, which was fantastic, there was so much drama and division on the committee, most folks just went away.  Many of the more powerful folks have moved away.   Bill McKinley moved to New York, which is where he should be for his career, John Cannaday moved to Bloomington, John Gurnsey moved to Chicago for a relationship he is very happy in.  Indy Pride still exists, and they do still do some things, and it doesn't have the visibility it did in '96.  This is very sad.

Since I hadn't been meeting very many conscious folks out and about in Indy, and there's really not much to do here in the community excepts the bars, I decided to start hanging out online.

In February, Michael Edmiston came to visit from Vegas.  We had met in October '97 on America Online and met in person in December '97 while I was staying at Ceasars Palace.  Michael is a very sweet man, and although romance wasn't in our long term future, I did so enjoy our time together.  We are still in touch and he has a wonderful new partner.  He sent this great picture of the two of them.

I've dated a couple of guys this year, the most memorable being Dave of Jacksonville, Florida.  We met on America Online while I was in Daytona working with a client of mine.   He is in the Navy.  He works on equipment for Navy Seals.  How butch!   Dave was very attentive, kind, loving and the best kisser I had encountered in years.  He came to visit in July, and we had a great time.   We spent July 4th together in Chicago.  Dave was so taken with Chicago.  Afterwards, he shared with me that he wanted to move to Chicago.  Having lived in Chicago for several years, it wasn't up for me, so we wished each other the best and moved on.

I was beginning to feel uninspired.  The Indy community seemed, and still seems, non-existent.  Insular, narrow and angry.  And that seems to be rubbing off on me.  Mostly meeting folks that were weekend gays.  You know the type, go out on the weekend, but during the week, no one knows I'm gay?  This is becoming disenchanting, tiresome and too much maintenance, and I am feeling less than satisfied in Indy.

There are some shining stars here, however, and it seems this community is best described as Straight Acting, Straight Appearing.

In May of '98, I was in San Francisco for The Experience Visionaries in Partnership (VIP) Meeting.  I so cherish my continued participation with The Experience.  It helps keep me sane and not feeling like I'm the only one that believes we deserve better. 

I had been to San Francisco before, but never spent so much time in the Castro area.   It was so affirming to be in ground zero of the gay and lesbian awakening.  So many out and proud individuals.  Gay and lesbian lifestyles so included and celebrated.  And not just in the Castro, all over the city.  All of the tourist information includes information about the rich gay & lesbian culture, as well as the history of Harvey Milk.  It was inspiring.  I felt somehow renewed.  It also solidified my feeling of, "What am I doing in Indianapolis?" 

In July, a very dear friend, David Clayton, moved in from Chicago.  He is my apprentice webmaster and my "birdie".  David is truly an angel and supports me unconditionally.  I had almost forgotten what that was like.  In October, David Matthias moved in as well, and now the three of us share a home.

I also had the opportunity to travel to Dallas in July.  This was a great trip.   I had never been, and I took the opportunity to get to know the local gay community.  I met a wonderful group of guys that pretty much adopted me for the weekend. They showed me around, invited me to their place to lounge around the pool, it was wonderful.  I also took the opportunity to purchase cowboy boots, a cowboy hat, and belt.  After all, it's what you wear in Dallas.  I look forward to a return visit in Dallas someday soon.

In August, I began seeing a guy named Drew.  Drew and I had met on America Online a year earlier, and just stayed in touch as chat buddies on occasion.  I won't include his last name, as he's not out.  Drew seemed sweet, sincere, and fun.  We began to get together on a regular basis.  He was wonderfully playful and it seemed we enjoyed each others company.  I understood he was in his coming out process, and still finding his way about.  What I didn't get until much later was his inability to tell the truth around his feelings, or even identify them.  After what felt like a fantastic trip to Vegas together in November, Drew broke up with me via email.  It was a heartbreaker.   Without all the details, things didn't end well, and I said some things in anger that weren't the most supportive for Drew, and was necessary to come to completion.   Have you ever been cut off suddenly from someone who seemed so close?  It hurts!  Especially when you later find out that it was all a charade.  I was devastated to learn it was all a charade on his part.  I felt so taken advantage of and used.  Drew's words became meaningless, and one thing I hope he learned through this is to tell the truth, and don't lead people along.  Apparently he couldn't bring himself to tell me he didn't want to see me anymore, that it wasn't in his ability to communicate this.  After everything that has transpired, I believe he won't repeat this behavior with anyone else.  And although I would have liked things to end differently, this seemed the only way for both of us to go on.  In Drew's eyes, I show up as a bad guy.  Evil.  When all I ever asked him to do was to be responsible for his actions, tell the truth, and provide an opportunity for us to get complete face to face.  I really do wish him well, as deep inside, he's truly a gift to the universe.  I hope he discovers that for himself.  Although not the last communication I had with Drew, it is the one that is the most sincere, and hopefully the one that he chooses to remember:  Maybe Someday

The best Christmas Gift I have ever received is David Clayton.

Focus II is coming up very quickly, January 1-5.  I'm looking forward to being with loving and supportive friends from The Experience, and meeting new ones as well.  This has become such a meaningful time for me.

NetVenture has been going well, we have several new clients, www.rentasissy.com, www.indygaynews.com, and www.missfortunecookie.com.

Stay tuned!