You have a ready wit. Let m know when it is ready.
The more I think of you the less I think of you.
It's good to see you. It means you're not behind my back.
You're one of the main reasons for twin beds.
He's a real pain in the neck; of course, some people have a lower opinion of him.
He's a real gentleman. He reminds me of Saint Paul, one of the dullest towns in America.
Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.
Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.
Why don't Jewish men drink? It interferes with their suffering.
In New York's garment district a little old man was hit by a car. While waiting for an ambulance, the policeman tucked a blanket under the guys chin and asked, "Are you comfortable?" the man said, "I make a nice living."
Camp Hiawatha, Camp Seneca - That's where Jewish kids go for the summer. Camp Ginsberg is where the Indian kids go.
When my wife asked me to start a garden, the first thing I dug up was an excuse.
My wife will buy anything marked down. She brought home two dresses and an escalator.
I haven't talked to my wife in three days. I didn't want to interrupt her.
I took my wife to a wife-swapping party. I had to throw in some cash.
I miss my wife's cooking - as often as possible.
A woman wrapped herself in Saran Wrap to take off some weight. Her husband comes home, sees her, and says, "Leftovers again."
Was that suit made to order? The guy who ordered it didn't pick it up, huh?
That's a nice suit you're wearing. When did the clown die?
I like the suit you're wearing. Who shines it for you?
He's frank and ernest with women. In Fresno; he's Frank and in Chicago; he's Ernest.
What do you get for a man who has everything? Penicillin.
A priest is sent to Alaska. A Bishop goes up to visit a year later. the Bishop asks, "How do you like it up here?"
The priest says. "If it wasn't for my Rosary and two martinis a day, I'd be lost. Would youl like a Martini Bishop?"
"Yes, I would", says the Bishop
The Priests says "Rosary, bring the bishop a Martini."
A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says, "You're crazy."
The man says, "I want a second opinion."
The doctor says, "OK, you're ugly too."
A guy says to a doctor, "I'm having trouble with my love life at home." the doctor says, "Take off 20 pounds and run 10 miles a day for two weeks."
Two weeks later the guy calls the doctor, "Doctor, I took of the 20 pounds and I have been running the 10 miles a day."
"Okay, so how is your love life now?"
"I don't know, I'm 140 miles from home!"
A man can't find a lawyer. He picks up the Yellow Pages and he sees the firm of Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz & Schwartz. Calls them up and says, "Is Mr. Schwartz in?"
"No he's out playing golf."
"Well, is Mr. Schwartz in?"
"No, he left the firm."
"Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz."
"He is in Detroit and will not be back until next week."
Ok, how about Mr. Schwartz, then?"
"Speaking."
The convict was about to go to the electric chair. He called his lawyer for advice. the lawyer says, "Don't sit down."
The food on the plane was fit for a king. "Here, King."
A panhandler says to me, "Mister, I haven't tasted food for a week."
I said, "Don't worry, it still tastes the same."
My father was never home; He was always away drinking booze. He saw a a sign saying, "Drink Canada Dry"; so he went up there.
My mother was 88 years old, she never used glasses. Drank right out of the bottle.
Your presence makes me long for your absence.
Some people bring happiness wherever they go. You bring happiness whenever you go.
I'd like to help you out. which way did you come in?
He willed his body to science. Science is contesting the will.